Weird Mood (Prayer to God)
I hate how I feel right now. I know it's all Satan's doing, he is picking and prodding at the things that make me weak and it sure is making me stumble. This flood of emotions is ridiculous, I know them so well yet I detest them. I know of God's faithfulness , his peace, his love, his joy, yet I can't help but run from him. So many times I feel like a failure, and I feel that many times Satan makes me feel like this, he knows the things that sets me off and knows the things I am not proud about or sensitive about. Today has been one of those days, stress has been constantly following me, I have been getting easily annoyed, and just feel like no one cares and being overly sensitive. I know that people care, it's just sometimes I don't feel that they do, I just wish that people would tell people more about how much they care for each other , because time is so limited. I think that's also what scares me, time. Not having enough of it, having too much to where you feel like your just lagging on. As I sat in Talitha's memorial service and people were speaking about how wonderful a girl she was and already at 16 had died but yet fulfilled God's purpose for her, I started to think how much more I should be doing, how much more I should be loving and serving, and I envied her for servant and pure and gentle heart that I yearn for. I want to change lives to make a difference, to love deeply to serve others , its just I get so discouraged because I am so fallen. And it doesn't help when satan whispers in my ear , that no one cares, your stupid, your not going to be as smart as your sisters, you work hard yet you get no where and all the things that make me weak and inferior. Satan makes me feel like I am inferior to everyone and that every word that comes out of my mouth is stupid, ridiculous and that I have nothing to offer people. Lord help me to see your truth and focus on what is right, true and noble. I really do need you everyday. Whoever if anyone reads this please pray that God would show me his love and his truth, that I would not feel alone or upset but comforted by his arms. Please fill my heart with your love and your grace, hold me in your arms, there is no love like yours in all the earth. Please let me not feel like I am a failure. I just try so hard in school and just feel like I am getting no where and I get so discouraged. I need your presence. I just see people who are so much smarter, and more talented and know what they want and I feel so low , so dirty because I work so hard at school and in track yet people who are naturally talented and slack off beat me. Lord help me to be faithful to you, not to turn from you because I am weary in need of you.
Untitled
I am so selfish. But who isn't? Why do I constantly try to satisfy my needs when there are people out there that I should be reaching out to, and loving on. At my lunch, a guy from my math class year was at a table alone. Last year having that class with him was hard because he was so negative always saying he hated Texas, he wanted to move back home, he even hated me for who knows why. But one day this year I saw him sitting alone at lunch, and then just said oh tomorrow I will sit with him. But I never have and now don't even see him at lunch anymore. This may sound stupid and such a small little thing, but I see it as just a small act of my selfishness, that if I wasn't so selfish I would want to help this guy , I would want to reach out to him. All I was thinking is, I won't get to sit by MY friends, people will think that I'M weird. I hate selfish people and yet I am one of them. Many times I look for how something can benefit me, not other people and this just upsets me how I feel so twisted. I have no idea why I just started thinking about this, maybe it's Gods way of humbling me ? I need that every now and then and I need him. Yes I love my family and my friends but their relationships will never be as fufilling and real as God's love. I know I shouldn't dwell on this past event, but it just breaks my heart to think that I could of done something , I could of cared for someone yet chose not too. Why is it so hard to show love to the friends and family you really care about? A lot of times I get scared of relationships just wanting to not let anyone in just to make sure that I won't get hurt. I think about my mom sometimes. So I was only three when she died, but I still remember her beauty. I just see photographs and catch a glimpse of her loving spirit. Her smile that lit up the room. Her beauty was not only through her appearance but it was an essence. My aunt tells me stories of her, and I really wish I could of known her longer. It's weird to think how my life would be if she was still in my life. My dad is very reserved but everyone tells me that my mom brought out the other fun,outgoing side of him. I have few memories of her, but I know that she had a beautiful singing voice and such a loving free spirit. I hope that if she was still alive today that she might be proud of me. If she had not died, I would of had two younger twin brothers, that is so weird to think of. I remember all the time people would tell me that i had such beautiful eyes, that they looked just like my mothers. I like that, it makes me feel like there is a piece of her still with me as cheesy as that sounds. Life is beautiful in all different ways if you just search for it. I want to be able to cherish memories with my friends and family , the good and the bad ones. I don't know why I am writing this, I just had to write. This is so weird but I am so excited to see what God has for me in my future, and it is my passion to influence lives to love and show compassion to those who are desperately in need . I wish I could just be more passionate and lively and not so lazy. I just want to make a difference as phony as that sounds.
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'When the sand runs out
-Rascal Flatts
