surrender
So this wednesday, Matt Gonzalez talked about surrendering. It has made me realize throughout this week, that I really haven't surrendered myself FULLY to God. I would give some of me to him but not ALL of him. I would of just kind of try to lift the cross instead of fully carrying it on my back , you see what I mean? People always say , just give it all to God, so happily and cheerfully, but I have realized that though giving it up all to God and surrendering yourself to him is rewarding it can also be a very painful thing. We think we know what we want even though we know that God isn't very happy with it , or just that were not giving it to him. Being a follower of Christ is not easy and can be painful. You give up things you love, you make sacrifices because sometimes those things that you love get in the way of your walk with the Lord. I am realizing how much I need God and how that I need to surrender to him FULLY, not just little parts of me. My body and my soul are no longer mine but Christ and I will take up my cross and follow him even if I have to put my desires aside.
Weird Mood (Prayer to God)
I hate how I feel right now. I know it's all Satan's doing, he is picking and prodding at the things that make me weak and it sure is making me stumble. This flood of emotions is ridiculous, I know them so well yet I detest them. I know of God's faithfulness , his peace, his love, his joy, yet I can't help but run from him. So many times I feel like a failure, and I feel that many times Satan makes me feel like this, he knows the things that sets me off and knows the things I am not proud about or sensitive about. Today has been one of those days, stress has been constantly following me, I have been getting easily annoyed, and just feel like no one cares and being overly sensitive. I know that people care, it's just sometimes I don't feel that they do, I just wish that people would tell people more about how much they care for each other , because time is so limited. I think that's also what scares me, time. Not having enough of it, having too much to where you feel like your just lagging on. As I sat in Talitha's memorial service and people were speaking about how wonderful a girl she was and already at 16 had died but yet fulfilled God's purpose for her, I started to think how much more I should be doing, how much more I should be loving and serving, and I envied her for servant and pure and gentle heart that I yearn for. I want to change lives to make a difference, to love deeply to serve others , its just I get so discouraged because I am so fallen. And it doesn't help when satan whispers in my ear , that no one cares, your stupid, your not going to be as smart as your sisters, you work hard yet you get no where and all the things that make me weak and inferior. Satan makes me feel like I am inferior to everyone and that every word that comes out of my mouth is stupid, ridiculous and that I have nothing to offer people. Lord help me to see your truth and focus on what is right, true and noble. I really do need you everyday. Whoever if anyone reads this please pray that God would show me his love and his truth, that I would not feel alone or upset but comforted by his arms. Please fill my heart with your love and your grace, hold me in your arms, there is no love like yours in all the earth. Please let me not feel like I am a failure. I just try so hard in school and just feel like I am getting no where and I get so discouraged. I need your presence. I just see people who are so much smarter, and more talented and know what they want and I feel so low , so dirty because I work so hard at school and in track yet people who are naturally talented and slack off beat me. Lord help me to be faithful to you, not to turn from you because I am weary in need of you.
Untitled
I am so selfish. But who isn't? Why do I constantly try to satisfy my needs when there are people out there that I should be reaching out to, and loving on. At my lunch, a guy from my math class year was at a table alone. Last year having that class with him was hard because he was so negative always saying he hated Texas, he wanted to move back home, he even hated me for who knows why. But one day this year I saw him sitting alone at lunch, and then just said oh tomorrow I will sit with him. But I never have and now don't even see him at lunch anymore. This may sound stupid and such a small little thing, but I see it as just a small act of my selfishness, that if I wasn't so selfish I would want to help this guy , I would want to reach out to him. All I was thinking is, I won't get to sit by MY friends, people will think that I'M weird. I hate selfish people and yet I am one of them. Many times I look for how something can benefit me, not other people and this just upsets me how I feel so twisted. I have no idea why I just started thinking about this, maybe it's Gods way of humbling me ? I need that every now and then and I need him. Yes I love my family and my friends but their relationships will never be as fufilling and real as God's love. I know I shouldn't dwell on this past event, but it just breaks my heart to think that I could of done something , I could of cared for someone yet chose not too. Why is it so hard to show love to the friends and family you really care about? A lot of times I get scared of relationships just wanting to not let anyone in just to make sure that I won't get hurt. I think about my mom sometimes. So I was only three when she died, but I still remember her beauty. I just see photographs and catch a glimpse of her loving spirit. Her smile that lit up the room. Her beauty was not only through her appearance but it was an essence. My aunt tells me stories of her, and I really wish I could of known her longer. It's weird to think how my life would be if she was still in my life. My dad is very reserved but everyone tells me that my mom brought out the other fun,outgoing side of him. I have few memories of her, but I know that she had a beautiful singing voice and such a loving free spirit. I hope that if she was still alive today that she might be proud of me. If she had not died, I would of had two younger twin brothers, that is so weird to think of. I remember all the time people would tell me that i had such beautiful eyes, that they looked just like my mothers. I like that, it makes me feel like there is a piece of her still with me as cheesy as that sounds. Life is beautiful in all different ways if you just search for it. I want to be able to cherish memories with my friends and family , the good and the bad ones. I don't know why I am writing this, I just had to write. This is so weird but I am so excited to see what God has for me in my future, and it is my passion to influence lives to love and show compassion to those who are desperately in need . I wish I could just be more passionate and lively and not so lazy. I just want to make a difference as phony as that sounds.
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'When the sand runs out
-Rascal Flatts
english paper i wrote this year "Sanctuary"
“He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, and he restores my soul... Psalm 23:2-3” As my thumb skims over these verses, I suddenly feel at rest. This sudden peace, I know is from the Lord, he is my savior who is like a ravishing sanctuary that lives in my heart. Softly my soul is nourished by his amazing grace. God restores my heart and makes me new again. He is my refuge, my rock.
Everyday I am reassured by the echoes of his creation. Quietly the mighty waves whisper lullabies and hymns of God’s peace that lies in my heart. I am a petite pea plant rooted in the earth, standing still in confidence, watching his love pour over me. In God’s arms, all is motionless, all is serene. His arms are puissant yet gentle and overflow with grace. Lying down on the bare earth, I look at the brilliant, shining diamonds that light up the sky. At this moment, all is calm, as God reveals the beauty of his craftsmanship, the work of his diligent hands. Large chestnut trees sway back and forth, as if they were waltzing at a grand ball. The taller trees tip their hats to the shorter ones, creating a rhythm of olive greens and charcoaled colored bark. Wind caresses through each crevice of the ancient branches and my heart is overjoyed. Creating beautiful mosaics in the sky of bright oranges, and pale yellows, God takes me out of my stress and into a secret, peaceful place. Reminiscing I think of that wobbly wooden, rusty bridge in Honduras. Huddled together my team and I squatted on the bridge, our bronze legs dangling over the edge as we starred dumbfounded at the stunning masterpiece in the horizon. Looking out, we saw the marvelous mountains and suddenly felt diminutive. “Indescribable,” I whispered under my breath. Our feet were bare, our hearts were light as we were breathless, astonished by the ravishing and towering mountains. The tranquil waters were a stunning teal, washing up towards the lush, fruitful shore.
“ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff comfort me, Psalm 23:4” Instantly everything goes pitch black, no slim silhouettes , or vague shaped figures, everything is murky and dim. There is a lighthouse in the distance, I now see it, and I dash towards it, realizing that it is God, that even in darkness he is my refuge, my comfort, my strong fortress. Times of distress, do not get me down, for I know God will help me persevere and will comfort me.
“Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, 2 Peter 1:2” Through all of these moments, God has shown me his peace, that peace and a sense of refuge can be found, if I confide in his mercy and his everlasting love. Hums and whispers of God’s mercy and his amazing creation captivate my soul and set it free, like a bird taking flight. God is my sanctuary; he is the quiet, melodious hymn in my life that takes me to a secret place.
Passion?
I have been reading through Psalm lately... well actually not lately because I haven't been so consistent on reading my Bible daily. But tonight I read Psalm 39.
For some reason certain phrases in Psalm 39 really just stuck out to me.
in psalm 39:5 one part stuck out to me: " Every man's life is but a breath."
How differently would I live my life if I realized that my time here is very limited and very short? How would my attitude towards others be different? How much more would I treasure the time with my family and friends?
My time on this Earth is limited and it is "but a breath." If I could be reminded that daily, I think that I would be able to have more passion in life. To cherish the time with my friends and family and desperately yearn for deeper relationships with all of them. So many times I constantly worry about the things that have to be done for the day or whatever, but I need to learn to give it up to God and not worry because my life is in his hands. All I can do is be open to the plan that he has in store for me because if I worry about not being smart enough and etc.. that is going to distract me from the wonderful things God has in store for me.
A part of verse 7 says: " My hope is in you."
This a very plain simple phrase, but David says it in such a passionate way. That no matter what he is going through his hope is always in God. I love how David is so vulnerable with God about how he is feeling, but it is neat that David doesn't base his faith on his feelings but on his firm faith and hope in God, that God has a plan for David. A lot of times I think I lack hope and I lack passion for God. So many times I try to focus my faith on how I'm feeling, like " I don't feel close to God," but I can't base my faith on just what I feel, but need to focus on what is real and true and even if I don't feel like God is there, that he is and always will be. My hope needs to be in God. I try to fill up my life with other things, but they are not fufilling. Please be praying that I would rely more on God and have faith in him. That I would read the word, even if i don't "feel" close to God.
the Lord is so faithful and his love unconditional
some of my favorite verses:
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
My tongue will speak of your righteousness and of your praises all day long. Psalm 35:28
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Content
I am very content right now. This week God has given me amazing peace and has calmed all my worries. So many times I worry about the future and if I will fail or not , that I don't focus on God. A lot of times I feel like I am not good enough, that I won't make it into a good college, that I won't do well in something and etc... but I don' realize that God has a plan,that it is useless for me to worry when my life is in God's hands. God will never see us as being "not good enough," but sees us as his children and has uniquely created a plan for us all. I am so excited to see what God has in store for my life. He is good and his love endures. His love is not of this world because it is perfect and pure. Man oh, man do I love the Christmas holidays, and this year it is not the gifts that excite me but just being with the ones I love and care for. I was in my sisters room (the one in college) and was making her bed, and now I understand, that once someone leaves, you really discover how much you miss them and how much you love and appreciate them.Wow it's going to be weird when Lyndsay goes off to college and I am the only child. I am so excited to hang out with my sisters and my whole family. Also I will see Erin tomorrow or I guess today haha since its one in the mornin haha. It's cool that friendships can still endure, even after one moves away. This entry is so random,but whatevvv. The simple things in life are lovely,that's a another reason I like Christmas,you can just go and look at little shiny lights on a house and be awed and feel all jolly haha. The last night in Honduras, will always play like a slideshow in my brain. It was the last night so we stayed in a hotel, for worship we went into this pavillon thing outside and had worship out there. My arms got goosebumps, when we sang "How Great is Our God," and like a sign that God was listening, the rain rapidly came down. Coinsidence? I think not. After our worship it had stopped raining as we headed back to our rooms but were stopped by an amazing sight. Thousands of stars sparkling, shining like diamonds. I had never seen that many stars in my life. God's beauty is captivating and apparent in his creation. I think sometimes God likes to show off to us a little,haha and show that he really does love us. I thought about Thailand a lot tonight, I went into this one store that reminded me of Thailand, and I suddenly remembered the friendly faces, the smells and the neat culture in Thailand. I believe part of my heart is still there, and I yearn to go back. So I am thinking about trying to go, even if there isn't a lead trip there this year. Thailand is known as the country of smiling faces, and I know that to be true, the people there don't base their lives off of times and schedules but on relationships, intimacy with one another, and helping those in need. I will never forget the ministry we worked with. These ladies in the ministry, who I thought were my age, (they really were about 23,) took the time out of their jobs to spend time with us , to get to know us and just have fun with them. They are the kind of people I will always look up to, they have given up their dreams, for God's amazing plans. For their job, they have to raise money, in order for them to be able to help people. So they are doing amazing things for God's kingdom, no paycheck involved but out of the willingness of their heart, so many months they don't get enough money for living, but they are faithful and trust in the Lord to provide. In Honduras when we visited this lady with 5 kids, all malnurished and had absolutely nothing except eachother and their house and maybe a meal once a day, and Alfredo said, "they are so much more fortunate than y'all". We all thought he was insane. Until he said, "y'all have been extremely blessed, y'all don't have to worry about having food or becoming malnurished, but y'all don't know what it is like to have to rely on God, to trust that he will provide, that he will keep you safe. You get so distracted on materialistic things, you forget about God, don't appreciate all the blessings he has given you, but they have no distractions and every day they pour out their hearts to God, because God is all they have." Wow, what a different view. Before I pitied them, but after he said that, in a way I envied them for how they trusted and had faith that God would provide for them. How would my life be different, if i trusted God with all my heart and stopped worrying about the future, failure and rejection? God has truly blessed my life and I don't appreciate the things he has given me. So many times I trade in my time with God for getting on the computer and being lazy. I want to change. I shouldn't want these materialistic things, because in the end, they will all turn to dust. So as this holiday comes nearer and nearer don't think about the things you could have or things that your lacking but the great things in your life that you do have. To all friends who read this, I love you guys with all my heart, all of you have been a blessing to my life. All of y'all are close to my heart and I know God has put y'all in my life to help me grow in my faith and to have people to keep me accountable. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and that everyone will try to dwell on all the things that they do have instead of the things they are lacking.
