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I am so selfish. But who isn't? Why do I constantly try to satisfy my needs when there are people out there that I should be reaching out to, and loving on. At my lunch, a guy from my math class year was at a table alone. Last year having that class with him was hard because he was so negative always saying he hated Texas, he wanted to move back home, he even hated me for who knows why. But one day this year I saw him sitting alone at lunch, and then just said oh tomorrow I will sit with him. But I never have and now don't even see him at lunch anymore. This may sound stupid and such a small little thing, but I see it as just a small act of my selfishness, that if I wasn't so selfish I would want to help this guy , I would want to reach out to him. All I was thinking is, I won't get to sit by MY friends, people will think that I'M weird. I hate selfish people and yet I am one of them. Many times I look for how something can benefit me, not other people and this just upsets me how I feel so twisted. I have no idea why I just started thinking about this, maybe it's Gods way of humbling me ? I need that every now and then and I need him. Yes I love my family and my friends but their relationships will never be as fufilling and real as God's love. I know I shouldn't dwell on this past event, but it just breaks my heart to think that I could of done something , I could of cared for someone yet chose not too. Why is it so hard to show love to the friends and family you really care about? A lot of times I get scared of relationships just wanting to not let anyone in just to make sure that I won't get hurt. I think about my mom sometimes. So I was only three when she died, but I still remember her beauty. I just see photographs and catch a glimpse of her loving spirit. Her smile that lit up the room. Her beauty was not only through her appearance but it was an essence. My aunt tells me stories of her, and I really wish I could of known her longer. It's weird to think how my life would be if she was still in my life. My dad is very reserved but everyone tells me that my mom brought out the other fun,outgoing side of him. I have few memories of her, but I know that she had a beautiful singing voice and such a loving free spirit. I hope that if she was still alive today that she might be proud of me. If she had not died, I would of had two younger twin brothers, that is so weird to think of. I remember all the time people would tell me that i had such beautiful eyes, that they looked just like my mothers. I like that, it makes me feel like there is a piece of her still with me as cheesy as that sounds. Life is beautiful in all different ways if you just search for it. I want to be able to cherish memories with my friends and family , the good and the bad ones. I don't know why I am writing this, I just had to write. This is so weird but I am so excited to see what God has for me in my future, and it is my passion to influence lives to love and show compassion to those who are desperately in need . I wish I could just be more passionate and lively and not so lazy. I just want to make a difference as phony as that sounds.
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'When the sand runs out
-Rascal Flatts
posted by Lesley @ 11:49 PM
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